[BEK]

Nothing better than a few fresh chilli's to refresh ones palate.

English mustard instead of marg or butter creates a magnificent base for any meat sandwich

and happy to indulge in the local Hot Sally's Kitchen option at the local Indian.

But otherwise don't really like hot food

Here is a small joke on the affects of chilli on differing palates

Mexican Chilli Tester

Notes From An Inexperienced Chilli Taster Named Frank, who was visiting Melbourne from Queensland

"Recently I was honoured to be selected as a guest judge in a town near Drouin in Victoria, to be a judge at a chilli cook-off, because no one else wanted

to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I

happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking

directions to the bar when the call came.

I was assured by the other two judges (Native Mexicans) that the chilli

wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free

beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the

event:

Chilli # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy smokes, what the he** is this stuff? You could

remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put

the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy.

Chilli # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chilli

JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight

Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken

seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am

supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give

me the Heimlich manoeuvre. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.

Chilli # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chilli! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium

spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the

routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the bar.

Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front

part of my chest.

Chilli # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chilli with almost no spice.

Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or

other mild foods, not much of a chilli.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was

unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with

fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.

Chilli # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding

considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chilli using shredded beef; could use more tomato.

Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted

and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when

I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue

by pouring beer directly on it from a jug. Sort of irritates me that

one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chilli # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spice

and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.

Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with

gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.

Chilli # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chilli peppers

at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about

Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin,

and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world

sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with

chilli which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy they'll

know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and

I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in

through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chilli # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chilli

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli, safe for all,

not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chilli, neither mild nor

hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and

pulled the chilli pot on top of himself.

FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

One of funniest things I have ever read